Why I Stopped Investing in Stocks and Started Investing in Jibbitz for My Crocs

Apple, Amazon, Tesla, Alphabet… what do these all have in common? They’re all companies listed on the stock market. Now I know that because I used to be a novice but committed investor, but that all changed when I realized there was a more rewarding path available to me in the world of investments, and that path was small but surprisingly expensive little rubber charms to stick in my Croc holes. Here’s why I made the change from investing in stocks to investing solely in Jibbitz.

 

I used to someone who wakes up hoping that it was a “bull market” kind of day. I’d open my Fidelity app first thing and if the numbers were green, it would be a great day, but if they were red, I was miserable. I was having a “red” day when the sparkle on a child’s shoe that was covered in charms caught my eyes. One was a banana! One was a smaller shoe! One said “Swag”! One said “Yeet!” One said “Tapatío”! One said “Out Of Office!” Like anyone, I immediately saw a financial opportunity, and I realized immediately that pulling all my money out of low-volatility stocks and putting it directly into Jibbitz was an investment that would make me happy every day.

 

I took the nearly $75K I had in my balanced portfolio and started purchasing on every Jibbit I could get my hands on. And then I bought as many Crocs as I could because you can only fit 26 Jibbitz on a pair and that’s obviously not going to cut it.

 

While the market is highly volatile, the unrealized gains on my Jibbitz range from “cool” to “fucking sweet”.

 

My relationship to finance turned into a cruel and altruistic game where I only cared about accruing wealth. What about investing in a better future? To me, a better future is one where I have more Jibbitz, like a piece of sushi or a scrunchie. A plastic miniature of a hair accessory to wear on your shoe ­– now that makes me feel like I’m alive in a meaningful way. Plus, I’m infusing capital into the economy, which sounds like it’s a good thing.

 

 

Some people ask me, “Aren’t you worried about your future? How could investing in an outrageous amount of Jibbitz for your Crocs be a good idea? That’s not really an ‘investment’ at all, it’s just a luxury purchase.” Knowing they’ll never understand, I just point to my “Croc Nation” Jibbit and walk away.