Why I Still Wake Up With a Strong Pot of Coffee So I Can Accomplish My Day’s Goal of Shitting

These days, it seems as though everyone has an opinion on the best way to adapt to life with social distancing. Try and maintain normalcy? Restructure everything? Well, I can only say what works for me, but I for one still wake up with a strong pot of coffee every morning so I can accomplish my day’s goal of shitting.


If you’re not working outside the house, you can use these long days at home to really reestablish communication with your body. Maybe you feel best when you stretch in the morning, maybe your ideal sleep schedule is a little different than you thought, and, if you’re like me, maybe you really need to force a liquidy turd out around mid-morning by waking up with five cups of joe to the absolute face.



It’s easy to fall prey to an overwhelming sense of meaninglessness during quarantine. My advice? Zoom in. Focus on the little things and take it day by day. For instance, every morning I wake up with one purpose and one alone, and that’s to make sure I dump out by EOD at absolutely any cost.


At this point, shitting at least once a day is the driving force of my life, and waking up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to a healthy dose of java helps me reach my potential in this regard and this regard alone.


Are my regular digestive functions being compromised by factors such as walking zero miles a day or the stress and anxiety of living through this global pandemic? Sure — why not? But what good will dwelling on all that do when instead I could drink a pot of coffee so strong I can feel each of my individual hair follicles doing their thing, then have some emotionally taxing diarrhea? The answer: no reason at all.


So tomorrow — or today after a nap — wake up and pursue a little goal that means a whole lot to you. You already know what mine will be: pooping once or more with the aid of a stimulant! Bottoms up.