Aging is a natural part of life, but we also live in a society that values youth and pretending otherwise doesn’t change this material reality. These sorts of ethical quandaries used to plague me while I was receiving regular Botox treatment, and that’s why I decided the best thing for me personally was to finally put down the needle, and start obscuring my face with a backyard fence during all social interactions like Wilson from the hit 90s sitcom Home Improvement.
When I first started Botox, I thought, what’s the harm? Is this so different from using anti-aging creams or any other form of cosmetic self-care? But then I decided that it is different, particularly because it’s really expensive and not something I can keep in my budget if I want to hold onto HBO Max and Bravo. So that’s why I decided to go cold turkey on neurotoxic proteins and be my authentic self while always standing behind a fence, giving A1 advice to my neighbors about parenting, partnership, and the best dairy-free cheese alternatives (this isn’t a Wilson thing, but I’m lactose intolerant, so it’s sort of the spin I put on it).
Since quitting the ‘tox, it’s like I have a fresh lease on life. I’m no longer defined by my physical appearance. If anything, I am defined by my lack of physical appearance because my face is always hidden away in the shadows. Some say it’s a bit gimmicky, but my self-esteem has never been better, so who cares?! Plus, lots of people have been complimenting me on my fence.
Of course, you can’t always keep walls up in life. For instance, when I started living outside with my face always obscured, it initially took a great toll on my sex life, but then I did what Wilson would do: I got creative. Now my boyfriend just fucks me from behind while I hold onto the fence, and my neighbors are like, “Stop having sex in your backyard; it’s indecent,” and I’m like, “It’s like Home Improvement,” and they’re like, “It isn’t.”
Hiding my face at all times has been beyond liberating. I stopped caring so much about little things like smile lines, or moisturizer, or SPF, which my dermatologist says is not okay, especially because I’m spending literally all my time outside in my yard, but I believe she’s just bought into the beauty industrial complex. So if you’re considering quitting the “youth injections” I urge you to try my methods! Or you could just exist in the world as an aging person, but that’s, like, kind of gross. Thanks, Wilson!!