We all saw the adorable photos of Angelina Jolie and her daughter at the 2014 Oscars. Angelina and her children appear to be living a happy, fashion-forward life, and frankly, I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out. With Halloween on the horizon, I know I want to be Lara Croft, but how could I do that being so distant from Angelina? If there’s anything I’m sure about, I’m sure that my life would be exponentially better if Angelina Jolie just adopted me and let me wear the Tomb Raider costume for Halloween.
Clearly, this is the only way.
Angelina is a humanitarian, which is exactly why she should let me into her family and lend me that old Lara Croft costume she clearly has hanging in the back of her closet. I would be a great fit in her family of seven because I’m great at accepting gifts and giving to others. I don’t even need to inherit her wedding dress – I just want that sick thigh harness for my costume gun.
It would be a privilege of mine to do the work in bettering the lives of everyone at the Halloween party. Plus it would be very eco-friendly; Angelina wouldn’t want the environmental effects of me having to Amazon Prime a costume weighing heavy on her conscience, would she? Of course not.
Angelina should adopt me because I can carry on her legacy of not just being charitable, but also beautiful. If I wear the costume everyone will be like, “Wow who is that stunning person over there, they look just as good as Angelina did in Tomb Raider. I should stream that movie so Angelina will have more money to support all her children and her charitable work.”
Angelina would love me because of how selfless I am, and because I am her daughter now.
If Angelina can’t see what a great opportunity my offer to expand her beautiful family is, that’s understandable. But if Angelina wants to ignore my requests for adoption, I’ll just have Alicia’s costume instead.