White Woman at Her ‘Most Authentic’ When Appropriating Other Cultures

Lifestyle guru Whitney Wilson admits that while living her truth as an “average” white woman felt difficult at first, she has finally reached a level of cultural appropriation where she can finally be her “most authentic self”.


“I wasn’t existing in my truest form when I was just jogging and drinking coffee all the time,” Wilson says. “Since I swapped those practices out for Kundalini yoga and traditional Chinese teas, however, I feel cosmically bound to my purest desires. It’s like the stars giggle their joy into my heart-space whenever they even hear me chant or take a sip of ashwagandha root tea. Isn’t Eastern spirituality just magic?”


She adds, “no, seriously—it’s magic, right?”


Wilson explained that while coffee is chaotic energy made from beans, tea is made from exotic plants that can have mysterious-sounding names like “Hou Shou Wu,” “Da-Hong Pao,” or “Ramen”. Wilson realized all of this while meditating with her reiki mentor, Guru Khenchen Lama Rinpoche, whom she calls Meagan when they run into each other outside of class.


“I’d be embarrassed for her,” says one yoga classmate, “but I don’t think she deserves it.”


“Guru Khenchen inspired me to let go of the limiting belief that I’m a white woman from Manhattan,” Wilson says, while adjusting the Tibetan prayer flags accenting her Los Angeles apartment. “Appropriating mindfully from cultures more mystical, ancient, and interesting than mine has allowed me to honestly self-actualize.”



“We don’t talk anymore,” says Wilson’s one non-white friend. “I’m hanging up.”


Wilson unplugged from Western society’s materialism years ago. She quit her six-figure finance job to pursue her soul’s passion—starting a wellness lifestyle brand. Wilson’s best-selling products include a jeweled Buddha-shaped salt inhaler ($996,) shiitake mushroom water ($1,200,), and a goji berry-ink painting of Lord Ganesha gardening with Confucius, which an art historian appraised as “fucking ignorant” ($622).


“My culture is my joy,” Wilson says.


After awakening, Wilson slips on her go-to white sari and matching turban, with a war bonnet and bamboo hat stacked on top of each other so the sun doesn’t damage her sling papoose filled with Kabbalah bracelets.


“That shit is the most ignorant shit I’ve ever seen,” says one anonymous passerby.


“Why else would these rich cultures exist if not for us to experiment with them?” Wilson asks as she begins burning a joss stick. “So don’t be afraid to take whatever you need to create your most authentic truth today. Namaste.”