So you and your girls are at a painting class—you know, the kind where you sip wine as you all try to recreate Vincent Van Gogh’s Sunflowers by putting the right colors over the right numbers, not like real serious art shit or anything. It’s a great way for you and your friends to catch up, do a little drinking, and spark your normally dormant artistic side.
Everything’s going fantastically: Tricia’s talking about her dog, Rebecca’s giggling after every syllable because she “loves life,” and then you take a moment to really look at your painting and…it’s fucking garbage. How did this happen? You’ve been following the instructions just like Tricia, Rebecca, and Silent Shelby, but somehow their paintings look completely Facebook-worthy, and yours looks like a neon vagina, moments after giving birth. Don’t despair, Georgia O’Keefe. We’ve got some tips for dealing with your absolute garbage art before everyone notices that you’re a complete failure.
Immediately start drinking all the wine.
First things first, you need to emotionally deal with your disgusting trash heap of a painting, and if there’s one thing we paint by numbers-lovin’ women know it’s that the only way to handle life’s complex emotional moments is to chug some Barefoot Pink Moscato. We encourage going up to every other participant in the class, pointing at their wine glass, and yell-asking, “Are you gonna finish that?” Keep drinking wine until all of it is gone. This won’t help, but you’ll want to do it anyway, so why not do it?
Spill your wine on all your friends’ paintings.
Now that you’ve had all the wine available to you, it’s time to start sabotaging your friends. If your painting looks awful, Tricia, Rebecca, and Shelby’s paintings must also look awful. Solidarity, sisters! We recommend tapping Shelby on her left shoulder while you come at her painting from the right. What’s Silent Shelby going to do about it, speak up for herself? Yeah right! Apologize profusely to the bland pushover you’re somehow still friends with, and then make your way over to Tricia’s “really coming along” painting. It’s important that you use the deepest, deepest red wine for this, since Tricia’s painting looks the best because she’s not even drinking tonight. Barefoot Rich Red Blend will work perfectly! Make sure to slurp up any excess spillage though—can’t let that wine go to waste!
Maybe break your wine glass into tiny sharp pieces and slice your hand open.
You’ve numbed your pain and sabotaged your friends, but unfortunately your disgusting artwork is still there for everyone to see. You need to divert their eyes, and quick! Like, super quick! Like, right now! Just…just…ugh…break your wine glass in your hand. Yeah, we know your glass is full of Barefoot White Zinfandel, but who cares? Just do it! Everyone’s going to look! Smash your wine glass! You did it! Yay! Now you are bleeding! GOOD! Everyone’s eyes are looking concernedly at your sliced hand instead of at your sad, sad art. Now you’re headed straight to the emergency room. Victory! If anyone asks about that dumb painting, just say that it was hard to paint with a wounded hand; no one will be thinking about the timeline.
Being artistic is hard, especially when you suck at it. Hopefully your incredible showing as a hot mess will mask your astounding lack of talent. Stay strong, girlfriend!
