What To Do When Your 23andMe Informs You That You Are Gimli, Son of Gloin

Genetic testing sites like 23andMe have made it easier than ever to learn about your ancestry. Never before has it been so convenient to discover exciting facts about ourselves and our lineage. But sometimes, you might discover that you are actually a well-respected dwarf from Middle Earth during the Great Years. Here’s what to do if your 23andMe tells you that you are in fact Gimli, son of Gloin.


Remain Calm

First, don’t panic. Sure, it can be a bit of a shock to discover that you are actually a small warrior of the House of Durin. You may feel as though your whole life has been turned upside down! One moment you’re worried about finding a good career and making rent for the month, and one saliva test later, you learn you’re actually the remote descendant of Durin the Deathless, and that you have a big bushy beard! Just breathe – at least you’re not genetically predisposed to lactose intolerance!


Double-Check the Results of the Test

Sometimes people misread their results, or get incorrect results due to human/dwarf error. Take time to really scan over the informational packet 23andMe has sent you. Make sure all of your information is accurate, such as your height being 3’6’’ and your birth year is TA 2879. If all of this is correct, then yes, it is true that you are 0% Neanderthal and 100% Gimli, son of Gloin.


Try and Embrace Your Heritage!

Now that you’re fully certain that you are the legendary dwarf warrior of the Third Age, do your best to try and embrace it! After all, you are the son of Gloin and the nephew of Oin, famed dwarf warriors who accompanied Bilbo Baggins on his journey to defeat Smaug the Terrible! You’re also a carrier for sickle cell anemia so you should probably tell your doctor about that.



Remember That It Could Always Be Worse

If you’re still feeling depressed and shaken by your genetic results, remember that many others before you have received far worse news. Think about it. You could be a descendant of one of the Nine Kings, who went on to become The Nazgul, dreaded ring-servants of the Dark Lord Sauron. See? Being Gimli, son of Gloin doesn’t sound so bad by comparison now, does it? You get an ax!


Hopefully this has helped you come to terms with the fact that you are Gimli, son of Gloin. You come from a storied line of brave dwarf warriors. So try and relax, and enjoy having lordship of the Glittering Caves of Helm’s Deep!!