Friends and bystanders were shocked when 28-year-old Elizabeth Finkle ordered a non-vegan mac and cheese when she was out at dinner with her friends last Saturday. After investigating the situation further, we were appalled to learn that Elizabeth can actually digest dairy.
Like, what the fuck? How does she do that??
“Yes, I can digest dairy. Isn’t that pretty normal?” Elizabeth asked.
Yeah, maybe for a caucasoid freak?
“I’ve been eating dairy my whole life! I even drink cow’s milk every once in a while,” Elizabeth stated. We couldn’t catch the rest because we were all literally throwing up.
We were, however, able to reach out to Elizabeth’s friends who were there during that fateful moment when the mac’n’cheese was placed on the table.
“I think it’s okay to have that lifestyle, but it should really be done behind closed doors,” Elizabeth’s friend, Marissa, said. “I honestly don’t know how she expected us to eat our own meals across from that. Disgusting.”
“My stomach hurt just looking at it,” said Bryan, another friend at the table. “She should’ve warned us or something. It’s just so fucked up.”
Elizabeth’s mother, Carol, also contacted us to defend her daughter’s name in the press.
“She was just born this way, she can’t help it!” Carol pleaded, but the damage had already been done. “I blame myself for genetically giving her the enzymes to digest dairy. I blame myself!”
As she should.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth has been ex-communicated from her friend group, and she now searches for others who can somehow digest dairy as well. So if you can also eat and drink dairy without your body immediately spinning out of control (gross), please feel free to reach out to her!