If you’re like us, you’ve given just about everything the old college try, especially when it comes to his special sack. When it starts to feel like you’ve turned his treasured testicles into a pair of those calming magnetic spheres you keep in your cubicle for panic attacks, spice up your ball game to show him you’re keeping things fresh!
Ask yourself, “What if they were boobs?”
Treat his balls exactly like he treats your boobs and you’ll have a whole new appreciation for body parts that come in pairs and aid in sustaining human life. To really nail this tip, struggle to get his pants off until he just has to do it for you, then suck on his balls for about ten seconds before you immediately forget about them because sex is happening now.
Lower them into a bucket of ice water—for charity!
Just when he thought you were only compassionate when it came to puppy commercials, you can surprise him by filming a slow submersion of his sex pom-poms into a bucket of freezing cold water in the name of some charity you’ll work out later! Before he’s properly thawed out, dip them in some Smucker’s Chocolate Magic Shell syrup and go to town on his dude
duo like it’s an Edible Arrangement!
Ask them about the presidential election.
Perhaps the reason you’ve been wondering how to feel more fulfilled from your relationship with the twins in his basement is because you haven’t fully respected their thoughts and opinions about social issues and current events. After showing them the evening Times, ask them about their stance on gun control. You never know what a seemingly vacant sample of dangling genetic material might teach you!
Experiment with his affection by ignoring one of them entirely.
You man loves when you play hard to get, but what about his hidden hacky sacks? Pay extra attention to only his left ball for two weeks and take note of the jealous rage his right one will express. He’ll be so confused, he’ll forget he also has a penis!
Gently push their hair back before you kiss them.
Paging Nicholas Sparks! His balls need a little romance, too, every once awhile. Before you tell him how much you love him, slowly push his fragile pubes toward his inner thigh and give his jizz hammock a romantic peck to remember.
Trace their wrinkles with parchment.
Nothing will tell him “I care” like a map to your heart made up of the traced wrinkles from his very own sperm balloons! While he’s asleep, carefully etch the creases of his chain-holders with a ballpoint pen. You can also try this when he’s on his phone, or “listening to your story from work.” Then, hang it on the fridge before he wakes up the next morning. Aww!
Whisper Shakespearean sonnets to them.
Mind the gap between his lucky lads with some breathy iambic pentameter. Call his left one the Dark Lady and the right one his Fair Schoolboy, after each of Shakespeare’s two love targets. How perfect is that? There’s two of them, just like his testes. By sonnet 100, you’ll finally have a fair grasp on not only his pearls, but on the literary pearls of the English language. You’re a poet and you don’t even have to blow it!
Now that you have the tools to explore the wonders of his seed satchels, take just-the-tip from us and head balls-deep into true love! There is so much you can do with balls!