Are you home alone right now? Tucked away in your bed, trying to fall asleep, but sort of scared because you keep hearing odd noises? Well, that creak you just heard could be your upstairs neighbors going to the bathroom, but the more likely explanation is that some bad guys are about to sell you into slavery as part of a horrifying human trafficking scheme in Eastern Europe. Here are some sounds that are cause for alarm and will most certainly result in you being kidnapped.
Wind
This one’s a doozy. If you hear really strong wind gusts outside your window, find a closet to hide in, STAT. Even though there’s a storm outside and wind is a normal part of weather and nature, you can never be too safe. Let’s face it: No wind is as vicious as the vendetta these cat burglars have against your father, and people with vendettas breathe REALLY loudly.
Heavy Footsteps, Possibly Big Dusty Boots
Sure, your roommate could’ve just gotten home from a night out, and you know for a fact that she’s a heavy walker, but you could also be one moment away from ending up in the back of someone’s van, only to be used as bait to lure your dad and mom to a warehouse in a vain attempt to rescue you.
Literally Any Car Door Slamming
If you live on a busy street, you probably hear this a lot. But that’s no reason to dismiss this noise as commonplace or “just someone getting in or out of their car”. Don’t you value your life? Don’t let the mace your mom bought you go to waste, because the next slammed car door could be a man with a Russian accent in a ski mask who unwittingly picked the wrong enemy in your retired CIA agent dad.
Laughter
It’s a proven fact that criminals laugh a lot, especially right before they pick the lock on a young woman’s loft apartment that she just finished redecorating. If you hear lilting laughter coming from somewhere outside, get the hell out of there. Then keep getting the hell out of wherever you end up that has any laughter until you find somewhere with no laughter. We suggest a library. But what’s that behind the bookshelf?
Your Own Sneeze
Have you learned NOTHING from the other times you were probably almost taken? You might be allergic to revenge, which is why you’ve just sneezed three times in a row. If you find yourself startled by your own sneeze, that’s just because someone is about to grab you while your guard is down. Now is not the time to rest; now is the time for VIGILANCE.
Your imagination is your best defense against bad guys, so when you hear something (anything), do something (keep running forever). Remember: Being a woman means being afraid of being Taken all of the time!
