Weird New Celebrity Cult Poised to Replace Scientology

Coming right on the heels of the documentary Going Clear, one of the biggest exposés of the cult of Scientology to date, some of the world’s biggest celebrities gathered for a press conference to announce the launch of their new pay-to-play religion called Tidal.


“It’s mostly about helping people,” says founder and high priest Shawn Carter, aka rap mogul Jay-Z. “We’re just connecting people with their true selves. And we’re not saying there won’t be some crazy alien shit.”


Led by the wealthy, charismatic multi-millionaire, some of the hottest celebrities in Los Angeles gathered to celebrate the launch of this new artist-owned “service” that allegedly helps users “obtain music” in a way that “supports other artists.” Plus, it claims to include a healthy sprinkling of “space nonsense.”


Packed with even more megastars than Tom Cruise and John Travolta, Tidal seems equipped to generate more followers and even more money than ever. The difference being that there is no question what the ultimate goal of this new religion is about: “We’re about making money, nothing else,” says Jay-Z. “Okay fine, some alien stuff, but that comes later.”



As many former Scientologists have sought a new framework to build their life around, Tidal offers a celebrity-owned and operated “music service” that will “help take music lovers to the next level.”


Members in attendance included Nicki Minaj, Beyoncé, Rihanna, and two men in masks who claimed to be Daft Punk, although they have not been seen in public since 2004.


The “service” offers only two tiers of membership, one for $9.99 and another for $19.99. Insiders claim that there will be even more levels by the time Jay-Z dies.


Fiona Apple insists that her 1996 album, Tidal, has no connection to the venture, although sources remain skeptical.