In a suspenseful story unfolding before your very eyes, your friend – 25-year-old Jane Harbor – has been scrolling through your camera roll and is getting dangerously close to the photos you took last week to check if your face is symmetrical.
Uh oh! Someone do something, quick!
“When Jane asked to see some photos from my recent trip to France, I did a quick mental check to make sure I didn’t have any nudes or incriminating pictures in the line of fire,” you whispered to reporters gathered at the scene. “Only when she was a few pics deep did I remember that I’d taken dozens of photos of my face from several angles last week.”
Sources confirm you are completely blank faced in the photos, as if you are posing for a passport picture and yet somehow even angrier than that.
“I had just read this article that symmetrical faces are the most beautiful, and I wanted to check!” you yelled in your own defense. “Is that so bad? Is that so unforgivable? Someone tell me quickly so I can slap my phone out of her hands!”
Meanwhile, Jane appears to be enjoying the pictures of your vacation, intermittently letting out an “Aw!” or “So cute!” as you get sweatier and sweatier.
“It wasn’t enough to use that TikTok filter that flips your face back and forth across a Y-axis,” you continued. “I needed to study my face for a couple of minutes without any judgement. God, I should have deleted them in shame immediately.”
At this point, you also remembered the photos you took of yourself fake laughing from the side. You wanted to see what you look like to strangers when you’re not really thinking about looking like anything.
“FUCK!” you yelled. “I took fake candids on there! My arm is in every single photo very conspicuously holding the camera! This is going to ruin our relationship.”
After trying and failing to wrestle the phone from Jane’s grasp, you accepted that she would inevitably find the photos and her opinion of you would be irrevocably changed.
“Oh, you take several dozen pictures of your own face from every angle to check if you’re symmetrical, too?” she asked, clapping you on the back. “No way! Do you also do the side profile candid thing?”
As of press time, you and Jane were sharing a laugh about your shared fear that one of your nostrils is visibly longer than the other.
