In a devastating story emerging from a hip new bar deep in Brooklyn, NY, 26-year-old Parker Foulks is on a first date and just consumed an alcoholic drink that appears to be making her tired (an unintended consequence) instead of fun (the desired effect).
Uh oh! Who could have possibly predicted this?
“I ordered a hard apple cider because I wanted the alcohol to give me a second wind for the next hour of this date,” she told reporters from the bar bathroom, where she was clearly panicking. “But I took three sips and am now so unbelievably sleepy. What the fuck is happening?”
According to scientists who could have sworn they’d told Parker this before, alcohol is a depressant. As such, it can make drinkers feel relaxed – and therefore cool – or even more relaxed than that – and therefore tired.
“I knew I should have ordered a martini or something sexy like that,” Parker continued, splashing cold water on her face. “The cider was way too tasty and warm and now I don’t want to be flirty and elusive! I want to go home, curl up in bed, watch an episode of The Amazing Race, and fall asleep with it still playing.”
Sources at the bar report Parker’s date had – at this point – been waiting for her to return for about 16 minutes.
“This is a common unintended side effect we see in alcohol drinkers over the age of 25,” said psychologist Rima Singh. “Sure, alcohol made you feel fun 100% of the time before you turned 25, but not anymore. Now, there’s about a 70% chance another drink will be exactly what you need to keep the night going, but there’s also a 30% chance it’s going to knock you out cold, and that’s a dangerous game of roulette.”
Back at the bar, Parker had begun slapping herself in the face in an attempt to wake up and get fun again. In an attempt to counteract the sedative effects of the second drink, she decided to order a third: a glass of red wine.
“Red wine will make me flirty and fun, right?” she asked reporters desperately.
After taking three sips, it became clear the third drink only enhanced the effect of the second, and she practically passed out at the bar, but in a sleepy – not blackout drunk – sense.
At press time, Parker had ended the date prematurely, then had one of the worst nights of sleep of her life. Thanks, hard apple cider!
