I know, I KNOW. I’m the worst—literally the worst. No really, I am. I just murdered every single member of my family and like, whyyyyyyy?? I literally don’t know. One thing I do know though is that I’m for sure the absolute worst.
I don’t know why I always do stuff like this. I just like, murdered them in their beds or something. Well not all of them. I murdered one of them in her bed but that woke up everyone else so then I had to chase those guys around the house until I caught them and pretty soon they were all dead, too. I did that. Ugh, seriously! Can you even imagine?
I’ve been trying really hard for a long time not to be the worst but I guess it’s just hopeless! My whole family is now strewn about my feet in a bloody pulp that looks like a sopping wet, completely massacred, totally dead piñata and that can only mean one thing: I’m literally still just the worst. Oops! Sorry!
I guess you just can’t expect me to be anything other than the worst. I’ve always been the worst! Like when I was a kid and used to kill cats and burn ants or whatever. I’m always embarrassing myself like that. I don’t know why I even try anymore, except that I do care, and ultimately I just want what’s best for everyone, but sometimes it’s just so hard, you know? So I guess I should start thinking about cleaning up these dead bodies. Sigh.
I don’t even know what to do with a bunch of dead bodies. Do I have to cut them up now? Should I Breaking Bad them in the bathtub? If I throw them into the river, will they float? Ugh, why did I not do this research ahead of time? Seriously! It’s because I’m the worst, that’s why.
Uh oh, someone’s knocking on the door—probably somebody who heard all the screaming. If I were a better person I would answer the door right now and invite them in for some tea. I should really do that. In general, I should probably have people over more on a regular basis, just to get away from social media and actually interact, you know?
But I’m not going to do that. Mostly because of the bodies but also because I’m just like, wiped. Maybe some other day when I’m not so overtired and don’t have such a crazy week coming up. Instead, I suppose I’ll go get the shotgun from the basement and sit in the window and take potshots at anyone who tries to get in here.
Ugh, whatever. I can’t help it. I’m just the worst.
