Throw on your cozy jam-jams and spend your Friday night in with your man – your pillow man! The makers of dakimakura, the Japanese body pillows designed to look like women, have released a line of “male” body pillows specifically designed for American women. Each pillow is programmed with deep-seated inadequacies and secret fears they only expose to you in the wee hours of the night. Here are some of the highest-selling men who are willing to trust you with their deepest insecurities:
The F.O.M.O CEO
This pillow looks like a successful titan of industry, but snuggle up close right before you drift away to dreamland, and you’ll hear your CEO admit in a meek little whisper that he doesn’t understand what he can’t control. He only works so much because he’d truly hate himself if he missed an opportunity. Aw, he’s finally opening up and sharing with you! Tell him he has what it takes to turn the company around, give him a squeeze, and feel him relax into your arms. Night-night!
The Self-Identity Crisis
This studly, Abercrombie model pillow has a six-pack full of anguish and doubt. As you let out a sleepy yawn, he’ll let out a desperate whimper, admitting that he feels like a whore when he’s photographed but he doesn’t know how to do anything else. He’s tethered himself to a life that exhausts him emotionally. This is what real intimacy feels like! A little kiss on the cheek will remind him he’s safe with you. Time for beddy-bye!
The Sad Dad
This hunky older-guy-next-door pillow has salt-and-pepper hair that sits atop a mind whose neuroses never sleeps. Simply pet his pillow feet with your people feet and your sad dad will emit a heavy, foreboding sigh before admitting he doesn’t like his youngest son. He’d never say anything, but shit, he just can’t connect with that kid. Hearing a man open up is so comforting, but pillows are pretty good, too. Tell him he just needs a good night’s sleep and get back to that cuddle puddle.
The Boyfriend with “Urges”
This pillow seems like the total package: Handsome, polite, smart, and really listens. Amidst the throes of a snuggle-fest, take the time wrap your legs around him and you’ll be met with a startled “Uhm?!” before he admits he’s been having urges towards other man-pillows. Okay, so this one’s sort of a game changer. But hey! We’re just cuddlin’ here! Maybe you’re not ready for anything romantic right now. Big friendly hugs should put his weary heart at ease before you doze off. Any male validation is good male validation – even if it’s a gay pillow.
The Rolling Stone
Tall, slender, dark sunglasses – this pillow is the sexy rock star you’ve always had a crush on. He may look like he uses a spoon to shoot heroin, but now he’s your little spoon. Slip your hand over this pillow’s hand attachment and he automatically sits up in bed before leaving because he’s afraid of hurting you. You’ll trust it implicitly when it tells you those throw pillows meant nothing to him. This pillow is emotionally immature – too much to indulge you with his vulnerabilities, but luckily you have the insight to see him for who he really is. Get one good sleepy boo-boo in before he leaves town. It’ll be a memorable nigh’ nigh’ to share with friends.
