Not to brag, but 2015 was a great year in fitness for me. I lost the same five pounds at least ten times. Overachiever much? It wasn’t enough for me to say, “Well, those five pounds are gone, time to move on to losing more pounds.” No, sir. I lost those 17,500 calories’ worth of adipose tissue over and over again. If I could have kept it off any of those times, I’d be a supermodel by now, but thanks to my consistent relapsing, I’m happy to say that I am exactly zero pounds closer to my ultimate weight loss goal. Here are the top ten times I lost five pounds in 2015.
10. Stomach Bug
In February I was laid out with some kind of virus and could only eat soup and crackers for four days. I felt like absolute shit, but when I got back to work, my boss said I’d never looked better. That encouragement gave me the strength to go back to eating four giant meals every single day. Thanks, boss!
9. Staying With Friends
I barely had time to put those five pounds back on before they came right back off again when I stayed with my friends Susan and Craig in Pittsburgh for Saint Patrick’s Day. They’re nice people, which is why I refrained from getting up to eat cheese out of the fridge like I usually do every night.
8. Accidentally Bought Diet Coke for a Week
I was distracted at the store and grabbed a case of diet caffeine-free rather than my go-to regular sugar water. By the time I got home I figured I might as well just drink it. It was weird, but not a bad-weird. Went back to regular soda three days later.
It was my birthday weekend in June and I was hitting the town, hard. My friends and I buzzed by two bars and a house party, and by 3 AM we were full of martinis and needed drunk food, stat. Apparently I ordered the jambalaya? At least that’s what my friends yelled through the door the next day when I locked myself in the bathroom for three hours.
6. Really Long Flight
I had a work trip to Singapore in September and I missed meal service because I was really engrossed in watching San Andreas on the seatback monitor. Thanks for the fitspo, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson!
5. Free Coffee from Pret Day
There was a day in April when you could get a free small coffee from Pret A Manger, and lucky for me there are four Prets in walking distance from my office, so: four coffees. I love a good deal and I didn’t need to poop again for a week.
4. Popeyes (Again)
Okay I wasn’t drinking this time, but there’s a Popeyes right next to my apartment. I’m not a perfect person. But now, this time, I’ll remember how those Cajun fries are just as hot going out as they were coming in. This was the last time.
3. Popeyes (Dammit)
Damn you Popeyes, you spicy chicken temptress.
2. Skipped Lunch and Dinner to Nap
Did you know you still burn calories while you nap?
1. Went for a Jog
Wow, this one was crazy effective, but not at all sustainable. Do not recommend!!!
There you have it, readers, that’s my secret. It all comes down to clean living, pooping your soul out, and sometimes sleeping through meals. I hope to confuse my body even more this coming year, and so can you! Here’s to 2016!