This Carefree Bitch Purchased Roller Skates

If you’ve never seen a truly carefree bitch, then your life will be changed when you lay eyes on Mina Dabiri, because this wild girly just purchased roller skates.


“Yeah,” says the bohemian cutie who has never felt pain or sadness. “I was taking a walk around the neighborhood and actually found them at my neighbor’s yard sale. I’m excited to give them a spin.”


Okay! What’s next? Gliding down the boulevard, soaking up beams of sun as they fall across your wrinkle-free-due-to-never-having-experienced-stress-in-your-life face?


“I’ll probably just test them out at home first,” Mina says. “Honestly, I haven’t rollerbladed since I was a kid, but I think I’ll get the hang of it again. They’re pretty cool.”


We would probably find big hard shoes elevated off the ground by wheels “pretty cool” too, if we had never experienced a care in the goddamn world.


“I mean, I have cares,” Mina says, which is a lie, but it’s our journalistic duty to report what she says without comment and let the reader decide for themselves, but we all know. “I have stress, I have anxieties, I have grave concerns about what’s happening in the world. I’m a regular human person.”


Well those cute little roller skates tell a different story, bitch!


“Anyway, I’m looking forward to just having something fun to do that’s also a mode of transportation and exercise,” Mina says. “Especially since it’s a good time to stay off public transit.”



Whipping down the block on roller skates, wind blowing through your hair, does seem like a practical mode of transportation if you’re a Muppet in 1977.


“But who knows,” says Mina. “Maybe they’ll just end up sitting in my closet forever.”


Now that’s what we like to hear!