Things to Lift With Your Super Strong Vagina

We know you’ve been practicing your Kegels hourly since you first hit puberty. But now that you’re older and have fully harnessed your inner power, you’re pondering the all-important question: What should I lift with my super strong vagina? We want to inspire you with some ideas of what you could be lifting with your vagina right now, since it looks like your pubococcygeus muscle is on steroids.


A Sewer Grate

If you’ve ever had to urge to know what lurks in the sewers below your city, wonder no more: your super strong vagina gives you first-hand access to the answer. Just find a nearby sewer grate, squat your vagina over it, lift, and voilà! You now have open access to your entire city’s sewer system. Who knows what you could find down there? A criminal’s iPhone collection? The Holy Grail? Some mutated turtles? Only time (with the help of your super strong vagina) can tell!



A Pallet Full of Fortune Cookies

You think those girls who can shoot ping pong balls out of their vaginas are impressive? Well, you haven’t done shit with your life until you’ve lifted a fortune cookie with your vagina, then cracked it open to read the fortune to some unsuspecting bystander. But why stop at just one fortune cookie when you can lift an entire pallet full? Just imagine, every person to crack open a cookie will know their fate because of you and your hulking vag. In any case, it’s reminiscent of that popular ancient Chinese proverb: “You’ll lift great things with an unexpected part of your anatomy someday.”


A Hammerhead Shark

It’s not worth it for your super strong vagina to be able to perform great feats of strength if you can’t use is to disturb the natural order of things. That’s why you should take a trip to the ocean, swim deep into the water and use your vagina to lift a hammerhead shark to the surface. Vagina-lifting a hammerhead shark is a way to make sure people know you’re so confident that you’re at least a little bit crazy. Bonus points if the hammerhead looks like its fish brain might’ve been replaced with a robot and it’s on its way to perform some dastardly deed.


So the next time you’re sitting around on your underutilized undercarriage, stand up, make a move, and lift something heroically!