In a conversation with a sad friend, 25-year-old Paris Krieger – also known as the resident idiot of Concord, NH – said, “There’s a ray of light in every rainstorm,” which is clearly some shit she just made up.
“I was telling Paris about the devastating fire that ravaged my apartment,” Maya Siddique, Paris’ friend, told reporters gathered at the scene. “Burning every single one of my belongings and leaving me with around $3,000 in damages to pay.”
According to eyewitnesses, Maya then paused for sympathy, and without even saying that she was sorry for what Maya was going through, Paris replied, “There’s a ray of light in every rainstorm.”
“What the fuck?” Maya told reporters off to the side. “I don’t even think that’s true.”
Meteorologists confirm Paris was clearly just making shit up, as there is absolutely not a ray of light in every rainstorm.
“Most rainstorms are predominantly composed of rain,” said local meteorologist Jay Feinman. “This ‘ray of light’ bullshit is hearsay. Maybe you’ve seen a ray of light in one rainstorm, maybe two at most, but every rainstorm? Factually incorrect.”
Sources confirm that Paris has never bothered to research or even google this subject, as she quickly would have learned she was being unreasonable. Instead, she said this baseless statement with extreme confidence.
“After all, it’s always darkest before the dawn,” Paris continued, yet again pulling this stuff out of her ass.
“Where is this girl getting this?” Jay responded. “The University of Magic and Whimsy? The University of Lies, Amherst Campus?”
“It’s obviously darkest at midnight, which is nowhere near dawn,” Maya said. “After the ‘ray of light in every rainstorm’ thing I was already inclined not to trust her opinion, and now? Now, absolutely not.”
As far as sources, Paris has cited, “nowhere,” “never” and “up [her] own bum.”
Maya maintains there is absolutely nothing positive to be taken from her situation, unless you consider “having to replace everything she owns” and “nursing a new, lifelong fear of candles” positive.
“Everything in my life is kind of bad right now,” she told reporters, exasperated. “The rain in the rainstorm is so rainy right now. Would love a ray of light, if there were any to be found!”
As of press time, Maya had simply laughed at Paris’ statements uncomfortably, said “for sure,” and mentally decided never to tell Paris anything about her life ever again.
