The Sexiest Ways to Freak the FUCK Out on Mushrooms and Never Recover

Nothing is sexier than a confident woman who knows herself. Taking mushrooms is a fun way to achieve that heightened state of awareness! Though sometimes people freak the fuck out and are never the same again, there are still ways you can keep it sexy and fuuuuuck—OK it’s coming on…no seriously, here we go! You’re freaking the fuck out now so here’s how to stay sexy before you start to melt!


Are you wearing clothes???! Wear less of them!

Chances are you feel huge, surging waves of nausea coming on like, NOW. RIGHT NOW (And “now” is all there is!!!! Literally like ALL THAT THERE IS.). So what are you going to do about it? Take off your clothes!! You’re blowing it!!! Why the fuck did you wear whatever you are wearing right now?? Everyone else around you is literally being filmed for MTV’s Spring Break right now (Why are there cameras everywhere? DEA???) and you need to pull it together and find a sexy white tank top so you can take it off when you puke all this water you’re guzzling down the front of your torso for the next four hours. Do you want to show off your hard nipples or not? THIS IS WHAT BEING A SEXY BEAUTIFUL EVOLVED YOUNG WOMAN IS ALL ABOUT. Do you not have access to a white tank top? Fuck it! Strip completely and run around because it doesn’t matter and this reality is ALL LITERALLY JUST A SILLY GAME???



Look at those cool plants with the big beautiful leaves waving hello at you in the wind! They are your friends! Pull some of them off so you can do a sexy burlesque-style striptease with the leaves covering your shimmering nubile naked body. Just watch out cause if you pull them too hard they’ll—FUCK now they’re spewing blood everywhere and UH OH the big massive Mama Plant is PISSED that you pulled off her babies and she’s coming after you with—are those shark teeth??? How did a plant get shark teeth? RUN!!!


Break out of the box! (SEXUALLY)

Do you see what you’ve been doing, by being in a committed monogamous LTR for the last several years? DO YOU SEE? No, do you SEEEEEEEEE? It’s all NOTHING but societally constructed bullshit, okay sister?? Rectify the situation now by having unprotected sex with the first person you see. You are FREE. Uh oh, did you just wreck what was a really good thing?? Whatever, EVERYTHING IS IMPERMANENT AND DEATH IS REBIRTH. Oh my God was that even a person you just had sex with??



What is $?

Wait….nonononononono like wait a minute. Think about money. Like, as a concept. Whaaaat?? Am I right? This like….paper? Seriously, where are you right now? Is there a stage nearby? GET UP ON THAT STAGE AND MAKE IT RAINNNNN. Take all the money you have ever owned forever out of your bank account and throw it in the air like confetti! You are making a beautiful statement about the nature of reality and also you have nothing left and it’s getting dark where the FUCK are you going to sleep tonight!!?? People are flocking to you as you disconnect yourself from the machine.


So anyway, shrooms are great! Have fun!!