Are you sick of missing your flights because your pubes are holding you back? Is your lady garden not streamlined enough to keep up with your on-the-go lifestyle? We’ve tested and ranked the most aerodynamic pube styles for getting to your flight on time. From the landing strip to the landing gate, we’ve got you covered!
The Teardrop
This classy bush look is perfect for the hustle and bustle of airline travel. It minimizes drag as you walk, so you’ll look sexy and breeze through security! The Teardrop is a full-bodied style that says, “I don’t need to bare it all to feel sexy, and I am very punctual.” Simple, elegant, and definitely not late.
The Circle
This unique and quirky look is guaranteed to shave valuable milliseconds off your time (and corners off your pubes)! Using the formula (drag coefficient + sexual adventurousness) / hair thickness, we calculated that circular pubes have a medium amount of drag. So go ahead, get on that long Cinnabon line—you’ve got this! A number of famous working women probably rock this time-saving look, including Zooey Deschanel, Mariska Hargitay, and Kelly Ripa. Cool!
Brazilian
There’s no way you’ll go wrong with the ultimate sleek pubic style. You can’t be held back by thick curly hairs if you’ve shaved them all off! Feel that cool breeze against your smooth, slightly razor burned snatch as you walk to your terminal with confidence. But beware! Don’t let those hairs grow back; it will completely fuck up your timing, and you will be sure to miss your flight to wherever you’re going (probably Miami!).
Tiny Attachable Wings
What’s the number one way to get to your flight on time? Attaching tiny ‘lil wings to your vag, of course! You can do this at home or in your airport taxi: Just glue ’em right on there and you’re good to go! You’ll float right through security, check your baggage in seconds, and arrive at your terminal with plenty of time to grab a soft pretzel. No need for painful waxing with this style! So strap on your seatbelt and put your tray tables up, because it’s time for your sex life to take off!
From now on, say goodbye to rescheduling flights because of your inefficient bush, and say hello to punctuality due to your streamlined vagetation. Bon voyage, pubes!
