The Married Couples’ Guide to Fighting Silently

Bickering, arguing, insults, screaming—these are common tools we all use to communicate with our spouse. But the most effective couples know these actions can draw unnecessary attention at work, dinner parties, family events, and at home. To bring your arguing—and your marriage—to the next level, try fighting in silence using the guide below.

What you’ll need:

1) Dinner plans
2) A petty topic
3) Disdain

Step 1: Find Something to Argue About

Next time you’re sitting down to a nice meal, think of something you’d like to argue about. Did your husband come home five minutes late? Did he leave the teakettle whistling while he was in the bathroom? Choose one. It can’t wait—you’re angry and entirely justified in dominating the rest of the night with inflicting a silent revenge for this injustice.

Step 2: Focus Your Anger on an Object

Channel whatever you’re angry about into an object at the dinner table. For example, focus on your spouse’s silverware. Angrily notice the way in which he cuts and scrapes the plate with his utensils. Now think about the topic from step one. Think about how mad you are about it, and stare. Stare hard at his stupid clumsy fucking hands using the silverware.

Step 3: Silently Notify Your Spouse About Your Anger

Make eye contact with your spouse and signify to him that you are upset. Do. Not. Speak. If you maintain eye contact and blink hard enough, he will know exactly what you’re upset about and why.


Step 4: Project Your Side of the Argument into Your Actions

You have utensils, too. Use them, loudly, to show that you are not backing down. Drink from your glass, and slam it down. Show your disdain with your food. Pretend that corn is the topic eating away at you. Eat slowly, taking long, laborious bites, and continue to stare at your spouse. Now he knows that you are winning the argument, because you are the most angry.

Step 5: Excuse Yourself

As with most arguments, it’s important to know when to walk away. So, without saying a word, get up, loudly clean off your plate, and storm into the bedroom. Go to bed. Do not look at him for the rest of the night.
Congratulations! You have won the argument, and in doing so have strengthened the bonds of your relationship.