It’s finally autumn! Time to zip your riding boots up as far as your “athletic calves” will allow and cajole your uninterested loved ones out of the city to harvest this year’s crop of scenic farm selfies! While you’re at it, why not treat yourself to a few new fall looks? Your painstakingly engineered high-contrast candids amongst the cornstalks aren’t just Insta-fodder, they’re 16-by-24 inch custom framers. Your stretched-out yoga pants Will. Not. Cut. It. We’ve assembled the cutest high-maintenance fall looks for you to own the pumpkin patch in, then promptly and permanently ruin with hayride mildew. That damp hayride mold won’t come out in the wash. Sorry!
Long Cardigan and Skinny Jeans
Cardi plus skinnies = fall’s official uniform! It’s simple yet chic, so you can’t go wrong…until you sit down on that bale of hay and your lush, cozy dreams melt into a soggy cotton nightmare, too stained ever to be photographed again. Make sure to take pics before the hayride!
Sweater ponchos and capelets are all the rage, probably because they’re so versatile for the chilly weather. You can wear it to a football game, to a late-season barbecue, or to sop up mildew with its long fringe while also entangling moldy straw and small spiders in its loose, crocheted weave. This stately piece makes for a great, one-day-only fall look!
A high-end statement scarf is the perfect fall layering piece for warm days that turn into crisp evenings. It’s also a great tractor-floor moisture barrier, and the only hope of saving your leather leggings from certain doom. A sartorial Sophie’s Choice. Now it’s not even donation-worthy. Ugh, so cute though!
Vintage Lace Blouse and Corduroy Skirt
There’s something timeless about a hayride in the country, so why not step back in time with a feminine vintage lace blouse paired with a warm corduroy skirt paired with slimy stains? The delicacy of the lace is a lovely way to distract from the musty sewage mess happening from the waist down, as the heavy corduroy absorbs a practically industrial amount of rainwater and dog urine,from the bale of hay in the corner of the truck. These fall wardrobe staples will never smell normal again.
Flowy White Maxi Dress
Your otherwise mutually separate love for Stevie Knicks and Ralph Lauren converge during autumnal outdoor photo-ops. So grab a willow-y ivory scarf or eight and a ruffled boho ankle dress and hit the prairie. Who says you can’t wear white after Labor Day? Oh, right—you say that, after touching literally any molecule on that tractor. Silver lining: You won’t have to apply a sepia effect to your pics, since wet mildew will percolate through your entire ensemble until it looks like a twice-used coffee filter.
Cotton overalls marry fashion and function, making them a natural choice for a festive farm outing. Unfortunately, they’re also a natural fiber. So when you chose to wear an adult onesie to your big hayride adventure, you unwittingly sentenced yourself to 24 hours in a denim prison of wetness, as the moisture wicks all the way up to your boobs.
Wearing suede to a farm is a bold move. And one you’ll pay dearly for, as no dry cleaner alive can help you now and that mod mini cost half a month’s rent. Maybe just live on this tractor from now on.
Well, there you have it: the most perfectly ruinable autumnal looks we could find. Have fun out there!