With so many different kinds of champagne on the market, it can be hard to know which ones you should black out on and drown your phone in. If you’re a twentysomething with a penchant for getting hammered and losing the ability to maintain a firm grip on your phone, then we have just the bubbly for you!
Rosé
Made from dark grapes with the skin left on during fermentation, this pink champagne’s delicate floral notes will ease you into any party. With a glass of rosé, everyone will be focused on you as you boisterously yell, “I LOVE THE BATHROOMS HERE!” during an otherwise low-key conversation. As an added bonus, the champagne’s rosy hue will make your fully submerged phone look super feminine as all the data is destroyed. Good thing this party had extra-wide-mouth champagne flutes! You’re so memorably fun.
Prosecco
A lovely, crisp Italian alternative to real champagne, this bubbly is perfect for when you want to keep bringing up that one time you went to Italy. When you drop your phone in a mug of it on a dare because you’re sloshed beyond recognition, announce that uncooked pasta is better than rice for the soaked phone, since this is champagne from Italy, where you went that one time. It won’t work, but everyone will be whispering about how sophisticated you are!
Dusty Swill from the Bottom Shelf
At $3 – $5 dollars a bottle, this “champagne” has nuances of garbage, with a hint of pee. Upon seeing the label, your party host will immediately stop reaching for the nice flute glasses and hand you a Solo cup instead. When you drop your phone in it because you’re plastered from drinking pure chemicals and FUCKING KEVIN was texting you, just leave it in there because it’ll honestly probably taste better.
Super Nice Brut That Your Mom Bought For You
With a French name you can’t pronounce, this champagne’s refreshing flavor with notes of pear is completely lost on you because you chugged it so fast your taste buds went into shock. Drop your phone in this expensive-ass champagne (you poured it into a bowl because you are FUCKING SPONTANEOUS) to remind yourself that your dad purchased both and you are almost 30 and WHAT IS YOUR LIFE, RACHEL?!?
Regular White Wine
A still white Pinot Grigio that got you so turnt, you thought it was champagne because it made bubbles when you splashed your phone in it. Girl, you drunk. Take your phone out immediately and transfer it to a bowl of uncooked rice. Then, transfer it to a glass of real bubbly and soak until the host says you need to leave because she has work in an hour. Problem solved!
Navigating the sophisticated world of champagne can be intimidating, which is why we suggest getting so crunk you forget your name and lose all the photos on your phone. Cheers!
