History was made this week when 30-year-old Tessa Roberts singlehandedly solved the climate crisis by eating all of her disposable grocery bags when she was done using them.
“The solution was under our noses for years,” she explained. “The only way for us to drastically reduce the rate of single-use plastic waste is to just eat it when you’re done using it. Just eat the plastic bag.”
The stroke of genius hit her while walking home from the grocery store one evening after work. Tessa recalled having left in such a hurry that morning that she forgot her reusable cotton tote bag (which has the same environmental impact as 7,000 plastic shopping bags). Poor Tess had no choice but to use the plastic bag given at checkout.
Tessa thought hard about what to do next. She could recycle it and pretend like it isn’t true that 91% of plastic doesn’t actually get recycled. She could use it to carry her sad meal prepped stir fry to and from work, or she could just throw it in the regular trash bin and promise to be good tomorrow.
“That’s when I realized the key is to turn your body into a human garbage can and rely on your stomach’s gastric acids to break down the plastic until the toxins are absorbed into your bloodstream. That way none of the plastic ends up in landfills and no one has to know what you’ve done.”
Who knew the perfect dumpster was inside us all along?
Thousands of busy girls on the go have taken her lead, eating plastic bags, plastic forks, even cut-up plastic water bottles as a midday snack. Tessa herself has already eaten 12 plastic bags and hopes to hit her goal of 500 before 2020.
“I was losing faith in myself and beginning to feel like maybe generations of environmental damage couldn’t be corrected by one person’s commitment to changing their personal habits. I thought, maybe the responsibility might just lie with big corporations, mass-producing plastic goods, burning fossil fuels, and contributing to the roughly 26.8 million tons of plastic that ends up in landfills annually.
Boy did I prove myself wrong! It turns out, all I have to do to solve climate change is to just eat a lot of plastic.”
Congratulations to Tessa Roberts for finally solving the climate crisis. Years of research and painstaking studies have brought us to this moment. A historic win for the planet and for womankind!