Woman Trying to Act Like Grocery Bags Aren’t Heavy

Sources confirm that Saint Paul resident Missy Peters attempted to walk home carrying her Trader Joe’s bags as if they were not super fucking heavy last Tuesday night.


“It was obvious she was struggling,” says Sue Hanson, who passed Peters on the street. “At one point she was losing her grip, and I saw her fingers start to slip. Then all of a sudden she lets out a big yawn – as if nothing had happened. But we all saw what happened.”


“Her face was very red,” UPS driver Joel Schmidt commented. “I saw her step to the side, put down all her bags, and proceed to look through her purse. She pulled out a pair of sunglasses and just put them right back. Clearly this was a diversion tactic.”


Schmidt added that she wiped her hands down the sides of her pants multiple times before picking up the bags, which were obviously very heavy.


“She clearly was trying to hide the fact that she was having trouble,” Denise Raymond observed, who was sitting in her car at the time. “Right when her arms began to shake, she started nodding her head and singing ‘Old Town Road’ to herself. Does she know she’s allowed to just stop and take a break?”


“I do not understand why she went through so much work to make sure we could not tell she had bought more cauliflower rice than she could manage,” Schmidt added. “Those grocery bags were heavy and it’s okay to take a rest.”


When asked to respond, Peters declined to comment as she was too out of breath to form a sentence.


“I hope she at least made it home okay and is resting,” Raymond also commented. “We’re all worried for her safety.”