Study Finds We Should Use Smart Phones as Much as Possible Before We Fully Understand Lasting Effects

After analyzing data from a recent study out of Washington University in St. Louis, researchers recommend that we should all be using our smart phones as much as we possibly can before we fully understand the scope of their negative impact on users.


“The definitive result of our study is that we all need to get it in now while we still can,” said team leader Dr. Gwendolyn Landry. “The break through that makes it impossible to use your smart phone without shame, fear, and dread looming over you is right around the corner. So, drink up.”


Priscilla Cellars, a financial backer of the study and shareholder in Apple, further explained the complicated results.


“Smart phones today are sort of like cigarettes in the 70s,” Cellars said. “You knew that they weren’t exactly good for you and they made you feel for sure awful, but still everyone was smoking them and it was kind of like, how bad can they really be?”


“Of course, it was soon thereafter determined that cigarettes do everything bad to your body including making it die,” Cellars continued. “But who among us wouldn’t kill to go back in time and smoke cigarettes carefree? That’s just the sort of golden age we’re in with smart phones.”


Despite the positive attitude of those behind the study, some concerned consumers are critical of the conclusions being drawn.


“If we have reason to believe that using smart phones is seriously harmful, then shouldn’t we start restricting our usage now?” said phone user Bea Johnson. “It feels like this hasn’t been very well thought out.”


Dr. Landry, however, remains steadfast on how the public should proceed in the wake of the findings.



“What I’m trying to say is go freaking hog wild on the things,” Dr. Landry said. “Personally, I can’t get enough of this stuff. I’ve been on Instagram for this whole conversation. Just scrolling through posts that I already looked at earlier.”


“That’s the sort of thing you’re going to want to do as much as possible right now before we find out it’s shortening your attention span or making your bones super sharp so they cut up all your organs or whatever,” Dr. Landry added.


At this time Dr. Landry has no comment on whether or not smart phones are, in fact, making our bones super sharp.