A new study out of the University of Michigan has proven that love is dead and existence is pain, among other harrowing discoveries, and will undoubtedly take the world by storm as soon as – oh, wait, the scientist’s crush just texted. Love is back on! Existence is joy! Spread the word!
“I’ve spent months researching this topic and took my experimental method extremely seriously,” the lead researcher, renowned Professor Minnie Joles, had told reporters gathered at the scene. “What we, as humans, have considered to be ‘love’ is actually an outdated evolutionary response to stressors and–”
At this point, Professor Joles had to pause the interview because she received a text from her crush – physicist Michael Nguyen who works in the lab next to hers – and could not stop smiling. She appeared extremely flustered, blushed, and said, “Sorry, what was I saying? Oh yes, love! What joy!”
Following this latest text development, Professor Joles is now “taking back” the findings of the study, and has informed the public that she intends to cash in on one of her scientific “do-overs” in order to wipe it from the academic record.
Sources have yet to confirm whether scientists get “do-overs,” but it’s safe to assume the study will halt its peer-review process.
“The experimental methods utilized in the study made sense at the time,” Professor Joles continued. “But given recent developments, they’re simply out of date.” By “recent developments,” reporters can only assume Professor Joles is referring to the text she received, in which Nguyen located a funny tweet Joles had referenced in a conversation they had last week.
“It’s crazy that he remembered it at all,” Professor Joles told reporters, completely disregarding the reason all of them were gathered there to instead gab about her newest fling. “I mean…I guess he was really listening? Wow. Maybe we’ll hang out again soon!”
“Minnie mentioned me?” Nguyen asked reporters, barely concealing his own smile. “Oh, wow. Her work is amazing. Whatever this study was about, I’m sure she investigated it thoroughly and has found something that will change the psychological landscape as we know it. She’s so smart. I hope we can hang out again soon…”
At press time, reporters could see exactly what was happening – because they’re not blind – and asked both Nguyen and Joles to attend a press conference to address any remaining questions. When the two arrived, reporters had deserted the scene, leaving the pair to their own devices. Sources confirm existence is no longer pain for either of them!
