A study recently conducted by myself has shown that in a few years, I would be a really cool ex-wife — probably the coolest to ever exist, actually.
Research shows that if I got married and divorced, I would be the kind of woman who’d reach out my ex’s new wife and bond over cocktails while we gossip about all the things my ex does that are really annoying. She and I would also be pretty good friends, but we’d have firm boundaries so it would never get awkward between us.
It may sound far-fetched, but the data doesn’t lie!
Also, if my ex and I had kids, the report showed that we would never argue in front of them, even though they would obviously like being at my house more than theirs because of my array of artisan foods and my outdoor in-ground pool.
According to the data, I would also be totally fine with going on family vacations with my ex, and I’d bring whomever I’m dating at the time, who would also be really hot and great with the kids, too.
It may go without saying, but there are also overwhelming results that I’d be the one to want to end the marriage in the first place, leading my ex to wonder what their life would have been like if they had only tried a little harder, and cherished me a little more. I’d also be in the best shape of my life and own three different businesses, making me really rich but also somehow super down to earth at the same time.
The study also showed that I’d probably say things like, “I liked being married, but I don’t know if I’d ever do it again. I just love my independence,” and “I just made the most delicious focaccia from a recipe I found in The New York Times. Want some?”
The consensus of this research was that I would be basically irresistible as an ex-wife, but also unattainable, which would, in turn, make me even more interesting and hot.
Currently, another study is being conducted to determine how many international trips and affairs I’ll have after my divorce, which looks very promising at this time.
