For the average person, ocean pollution calls to mind disturbing images of barren corral reefs, turtles stuck in six-pack rings, and another example of a bad thing. But scientists at the Marine Biology Conservation Society have brought a new perspective to this issue with their recent study showing that fish actually fucking love all the trash in the ocean.
“When we began this research, we thought we’d be adding to the devastating but important portrait of ocean pollution,” says lead researcher Dr. Puja Suresh. “But instead we found that fish go fucking nuts for all that trash, and that it’s a welcome respite from the rest of the ocean, which can actually be pretty boring.”
“In terms of fishes’ habitat and quality of life, their favorite thing about the ocean is all the water, second is just staying alive, and then the third is having a blast with all that trash,” Dr. Suresh explains. “Straws, Styrofoam, composite trash islands — this stuff is basically Mardi Gras for fish. They just get all excited and finally have some fun for once.”
The easily politicized results of the research have led to some controversy in and beyond the marine biology field.
“The results of this ‘study’ are pseudo-scientific and frankly dangerous,” says marine conservationist Kaya Elmer. “I can’t help but think that some major polluter corporations are throwing their money behind this to sway public opinion. It’s reckless and also absurd to claim that fish ‘love trash’. Like, what does that even mean?”
But Dr. Suresh and her team are more than ready to stand behind their work.
“I freaking wish corporations were giving us money, we’re very underfunded!” she says. “But the thing about science is, it’s the pure pursuit of knowledge, unencumbered by bias or the urge to filter information through an existing framework.”
“Obviously pollution is bad, but that doesn’t change the fact that fish are having a goddamn blast playing around in all that trash,” she adds. “It’s like, learn to hold two ideas in your head at once?”
As for how this finding will affect conservation efforts going forward, Dr. Suresh says it won’t.
“You can keep recycling, but recycling isn’t real,” she says. “A vast majority of single use plastic ends up in a landfill or in the ocean. So keep doing what you’re doing, and know that the effects on our planet are devastating, but at least that plastic Talenti jar might be used as a clownfish’s aboveground pool.”
Fact checkers confirmed that pools are a relevant and fun concept to fish despite living underwater.
