With the country slowly coming out of its winter freeze and the prospect of warmer weather just around the corner, the nation’s most devoted street harassers are gearing up to take to the streets for the first nice day of the springtime.
“It’s something we look forward to all winter, you know?” said Luis Alvarez, one such harasser. “Everyone’s so covered up when it’s cold, there’s hardly anything to inspire my threatening praise.”
Other catcallers echoed his sentiments.
“Yeah, the cooler weather really stifles my creativity when it comes to making women feel disrespected,” said Mason Nagle, another street creep. “I’m pretty pumped to get back into the swing of things.”
“But what I’m looking forward to the most is the summer summer. You know, when you can follow a broad home and make her feel truly unsafe,” Mason added. “That’s the good stuff!”
Women across the country have expressed their frustrations.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love the spring,” said Tina Wu of Brooklyn, NY. “It’s just a bummer that warmer weather turns every man on the street into a potential threat to my safety.”
“Sure, the leaves coming back to the trees and the sun staying out longer really does wonders for my mental health,” said Brianna Martins. “But then there’s the fact that as soon as it gets even a few degrees warmer, I have to dedicate a certain section of my mental energy to making sure that the dudes commenting on my ass don’t do something violent or whatever.”
“There’s no such thing as a carefree spring day when you’re a woman who brings her body out in public,” she added.
But the sketchy men of America’s streets are rejoicing.
“After a long winter of being forced to let bitches go about their lives in peace, it feels good to be back on the saddle,” said Jason Hughes. “I’m really looking forward to getting my first ‘hey baby’ or ‘nice rack’ out of my system.”
“Might even have a little fun with it and throw my arm around some chick I don’t know on the street,” he added. “It always adds a certain je ne sais quois when they’re scared for their lives.”