If you’ve had to toss out yet another sports bottle because all your vodka has tarnished it again, worry no more. We set out to find the perfect athletic gear that won’t get in the way of your perpetual blackout. Whether you’re at work, school, the gym, or your volunteer work at the children’s hospital—we’ll hide your drinking habit better than you can hide your attraction to your boss after six to-go Martinis.
The BPA-free Bottle
Sold at most sporting goods stores, basic BPA-free water bottles will hold all your vodka while also preventing you from getting a few chemical-caused cancers. Most are made from clear plastic, so if you’re more of a cocktail day-drinker, you can always pass off your Cosmopolitans as “Gatorade or something, who cares?”
Less obvious than your flask, a canteen is perfect for hiking, biking, or your mid-year work review if you want to stay severely intoxicated. Whip out your canteen whenever your rock-climbing group starts to argue about whether it’s appropriate for white people to have dreadlocks and before you know it, you’ll slip into a blacked out rage.
The Cardboard Carton
The newest trend in environmentally responsible water, the cardboard carton will also hold your daytime booze. People will compliment you on your dedication to the planet before they even notice you’ve filled that cute carton with a half gallon of pure potato vodka. Drink up!
A Bottle of Grey Goose with Duct Tape That Says “Sports”
The Grey Goose bottle is designed to hold vodka, so you can be sure it won’t get destroyed like all those weak ones built for fluids like “water” or “energy drinks.” By covering the Grey Goose, Belvedere, Stoli or vodka label of your choosing with a piece of duct tape that reads “sports!” you can start your day of heavy drinking without the fear of anyone discovering your saucy secret.
Now that you’re stocked with all the right containers for your rock and roll lifestyle, you can go forth into the bleak existence you’ve been avoiding for five solid years. The best part is, if any of these sport bottles fail you, you’ll be too drunk to care!