When looking for a vibrator, you want something that really gets your juices flowing. But the vibrators below are so defective, they’ll head up your solo sex life and literally set your ovaries on fire.
Zizz-o-Matic: Physician (and dairy farmer) Fred J. Fronner was inspired by the newfangled electric cattle prods flooding the markets in 1936. While studying the herd, he hypothesized that some of the female cows’ reactions to the electrified metal rods might actually be screams of pleasure. Soon after, a fellow doctor expressed the desire to sell a new product to listless housewives, along with his all-cocaine nerve tonic. Dr. Fronner developed a prototype using the same electroshock technology, which he dubbed the Zizz-o-Matic. Fronner’s cow theory was debunked the moment he asked his assistant to try it. He was convicted of gross negligence and sentenced to 25 years in prison. Luckily you can still snag one of these retro babies on Ebay! Try it with a partner, and feel your insides burn!
Aqua Supreme Pleasure-Streamer: The Aqua Supreme Pleasure-Streamer hit the market in the 1970s as the first combination vibrator-steamer that you could plug into your kitchen faucet. Unfortunately, the creators forgot to include a temperature regulator, so if you didn’t turn off the heating coil inside, the water would get so hot that steam would shoot out of the vibrator instead. It’s now only marketed as a steamer, but don’t let that stop you from treating yourself to a night of steamy pleasure! You’ll feel like Gwyneth Paltrow and your ovaries will be hotter than any flame!
Båta: Looking for a new texture to titillate their loyal customers, the product developers at Romanian sex toy company Erotiqqqa decided to try a propylene coating for their newest vibrator, the Båta. Unfortunately, what they didn’t count on was how the fast vibrations, combined with the warmth of a lady’s insides, could ignite the highly flammable material. The Båta was banned in the UK, Argentina, Mexico, Canada, and Puerto Rico, but it will ship internationally from Cameroon. Your internal lady-balls will be feeling the heat, because they’ll be literally on fire!
The Alone Ranger: For their 2007 cowboy-themed “Wilder Wilder West” collection, Naughty Co. released items like BDSM saddles, tiny penis cowboy hats, and the Alone Ranger, a vibrator that was made of – you guessed it – hand-whittled wood. Flummoxed by the intricacies of manufacturing hand-crafted products, the Naughty Co. technicians lost sight of the reality that these works of art were going to end up in someone’s splinter-averse vagina. Thousands of women reported feeling a horrifying burning sensation in their lower abdomen. If that sounds hot, you better get yours before their overstocked warehouse shelves are empty!
Sinnamon Stick: While they were still transitioning from a candy company to a sex toy manufacturer, top brass at Sticky Treasures LLC tried to integrate their two passions together. After the runaway success of their vagina-shaped Fun Dips, the company put out The Sinnamon Stick, a handheld vibrator that smelled and tasted like cinnamon. However, Sticky Treasures didn’t think to reduce the potency of their cinnamon flavor from their original Nuclear-Spicy Cinnamon Cube candies. The Sinnamon Sticks ended up causing a lot of capsaicin burns on a lot of vaginas, and the creators learned their lesson about intimate/confectionary fusion.
Demure Buzzing Woman-Calmer: Trying to stay current with their struggling population’s needs, the North Korean government manufactured a widely-distributed vibrator in 2010. Its name translates roughly to “Demure Buzzing Woman-Calmer,” but it was quickly re-dubbed The Molotov by citizens, both because rebels used to toss them into the Demilitarized Zone to start fires as a form of protest. Dennis Rodman is said to have taken one home after his trip to meet Kim Jong-un. This device will literally set your ovaries on fire.
If you’re looking to heat things up, all you need is a little wine, some sensual music, and a banned product with a major electrical short. Your ovaries will burst into flame!