Should We Train Lobsters to be Waiters So We Can Keep Going to Applebee’s?

As restaurants begin to re-open amidst a pandemic that has claimed the lives of more than 130,000 Americans, food lovers face a dilemma. Should they stay at home, where they can protect the lives of themselves and others, or should they go to restaurants, where they can eat spicy chicken in an unfamiliar building? Although many people believe that everyone should just stay home and order takeout, I propose an alternate solution. Hear me out: we should train lobsters to be waiters.


Come on; what else are they doing in those tanks right now? Anyway, I really want to go back to Applebee’s.


Imagine this: instead of going to Applebee’s and being served by a tall man named Kyle, you would go to Applebee’s and be served by a beautiful little lobster named Crustacea. You would place your order with Crustacea via the GoPro strapped to her head. Then she would toddle back to the kitchen via a saltwater aqueduct, where another lobster would sanitize her. The chef would hand Crustacea your food, and she would bring it back to your table held above her head with her claws. As you can see, this setup is ideal for people who don’t want to stay home during a global pandemic and also enjoy seeing lobsters in tanks at the moderately-priced restaurants they frequent.


I know what you’re going to ask next: What’s to stop Crustacea from just wandering back into the ocean with your riblet platter? Well, again, I mention the aqueduct system, in which the walls are too hard to climb. Each lobster will have his own lane, preventing them from climbing on top of one another to aid escape. Is it ideal that each restaurant’s setup will cost $750,000 to design and build? No, but the people who build aquariums need work right now too and this is simply what must be done if people want to be able to eat in chain restaurants without contracting a deadly disease about which very little is known. Please, guys. I need this.



Despite the fact that many people oppose my plan, there are many advantages to training lobsters to be waiters so we can keep going to Applebee’s. For example, lobsters have claws that can pinch plates laden high with quesadilla burgers, sizzlin’ caramel apple blondies, and fiesta lime chicken. Also, they are red, just like the Applebee’s apple. That is called brand integration. I really love Applebee’s.


I know that no plan to train lobsters to be Applebee’s waiters is perfect. It could be argued that the $30 million needed to train lobsters to wave at families could be better spent on developing a vaccine for coronavirus. I know this sounds complicated, but don’t forget: For every lobster that is not trained to be an Applebee’s waiter, one more person has to not go to Applebee’s for a reasonably priced meal. How can we keep letting that happen?


Imagine a world where we don’t have to choose between being a good person and wanting to eat bread in a room where we can’t control the temperature or music. A world where we ask lobsters to bring us mango lemonade. A world where Crustacea can go to night school instead of being eaten by an old man. My fellow Americans: We must train lobsters to be waiters so we can keep going to Applebee’s. I simply won’t accept anything less.