The breakup was hard enough, but then he turns around and dates someone who has both a Marilyn AND Audrey poster in her room. Of course, you only know this because you’ve been stalking her Pinterest to make sure he didn’t meet someone cooler than you, only to find it was much, much worse. She has no eye for design outside of what she’s seen in hotels on her trips to Vegas. Her favorite art museum is Pier 1. Now that he’s dating a woman with cliché tastes, here are all the kinds of shitty art your ex-boyfriend will be surrounded by while he’s fucking her.
Mass-Produced Inspirational Quote Canvas Prints from Hobby Lobby
How useless is a “Be the Change You Wish to See in the World” quote when it’s stenciled onto a bunch of puffy clouds?! That’s not art; it’s the physical embodiment of an uninvestigated inner life. She’s also enough of a dingus to still shop at Hobby Lobby, which means she probably doesn’t care about birth control, and your ex-boyfriend might also be a dad soon. Yikes, this is rougher than we thought.
The Kiss by Gustav Klimt
Besides the woman’s lover looking like he’s breaking her neck while she’s in a contorted kneeling position smooch, no one outside of 90s-era Lower East Side should boast this in their home. This is the couple’s version of owning a Starry Night poster, and proves that your ex’s new lady has no taste whatsoever.
Framed Pictures of Them Where He’s Actually Smiling
Tyler looks so stupid when he smiles and that frame is also from Hobby Lobby. This is just bad art.
Fairy Paintings That Were Once Her MySpace Background
No, of course she’s not even genuinely into Celtic mythology, she just saw such a cute print at the mall and was like “Isn’t that famous or something? I like that.” Lame!
Monogrammed Things
You know what her fucking initials are because she uses all three of her names on her Facebook profile. Who is she reminding besides herself? Also, your name and her name both start with the same letter, so you know Tyler is still thinking about you whenever he uses one of those cute initial coffee mugs. It doesn’t count as art if you can get it at the front of Starbucks.
Wrought Iron Wall Art
For fuck’s sake, only grandmas in newly-built retirement communities are allowed to decorate in wrought iron. Like my grandma; the one who gave Tyler money so he could buy that guitar for his music career. Nothing says, “We just put a down payment on our dream suburban home” like wrought iron. If the Times reviewed their living room, it would get absolutely panned.
The shittier the art, the more likely the guy is to propose. Her lack of originality directly correlates to her desire to become a housewife, and her ring will mostly likely be from Jared Jewelers, something she’s not self-aware enough to find terrible. Congratulations! You may still be single, but that’s all the more time to reflect on your brilliantly curated studio apartment with dignity.
