The holidays can be a joyous time of year for celebrating with the ones we hold dear, but the cost of presents for everyone from Aunt Sally to Grandpa Dave to your little nephew Tommy can seriously add up! Why not trim the fat this year by alienating some of your non-essential relatives on social media? Here’s how to grab these savings for yourself:
Politics: It’s time to get involved!
Who doesn’t love a heated Facebook debate about gun control? All of your family members, that’s who! Just make sure to challenge a broad range of views, and if anyone questions your flip-flopping, don’t worry; you’re simply “playing Devil’s advocate…” all the way to the bank!
Don’t forget religion, too!
Whatever your family’s faith, there’s a pedantic angle for you! Whether you want to go with good old-fashioned overly smug atheism, or being a soldier in the War on Christmas, pick an unsociably aggressive viewpoint and stick with it. Sharing a narrow-minded, disrespectful article or two are all it should take for you to find that extra moolah you’ve been looking for to buy some cute seasonal outfits!
Make vague, passive-aggressive accusations against Uncle George.
There’s no easier way to get people talking than with vague accusations! “Can’t believe how fake some people in my family are. I guess someone’s always got to start drama. #smh #yourenotmyrealuncle” They’ll be the ones shaking their heads, as they wonder who you’re talking about! Can’t you just hear the extra change in your pocket?
Hey, you’re a parenting expert now.
Nothing tests the bonds of a relationship like challenging someone’s parenting choices. Next time your sister posts a picture of your brother-in-law buckling your nephew in his car seat, concern-troll with a simple, “Wow, I can’t believe you let him ride in that old car, it’s such a death-trap.” And “Are those Cheerios? I would never feed wheat products to a child, that’s how they get the autism.” It doesn’t matter if it’s true; it only matters if it saves you money! That’s three loved ones with whom you are officially off the hook. Game, set, match!
Long-con: Create a fake second family for yourself.
Nobody likes being replaced, but especially not the people who raised you! Watch a few episodes of Catfish, then get busy creating fake Facebook accounts for your imaginary second family. As their increasingly less-cryptic comments slowly take over your social media presence, your real family will recoil in horror at the web of lies you’ve built. They’ll be so offended that you kept your husband, children, and step-children from them, they won’t be able to look you in the eye for a whole year. Put that money away for a nice vacation!!
So save yourself a small fortune this holiday season by taking our advice, and pushing away the ones you love most! Then enjoy your new wealth with a quiet holiday to yourself. Who cares if you’re alone? You’ve got money to keep you company now!
