Feng shui uses Chinese philosophical principles to create a harmonious physical environment. Your bedroom uses piles of shit everywhere and a very small window to make everyone who enters it immediately anxious. Filene’s Basements sure aren’t known for their tranquility or aesthetic, but they’re definitely less harrowing than the space you call home. Here are five recently revived discount stores with better feng shui than your sad apartment.
1. The Filene’s Basement in Boston, MA
Hoo boy, this Filene’s Basement ain’t nothin’ to look at, but at least you can see six feet in front of you, unlike in your apartment, where you’ve piled unpacked cardboard boxes practically up to the ceiling. Are you ever going to do something about that? If the energy in that place could speak, it wouldn’t, because it was crushed by an avalanche of boxes and left to die. The Boston Filene’s Basement features over 16 crowded aisles of just one size of Sketchers, but its employees are still considerably more at ease than your houseguests.
2. The Filene’s Basement in Glendale, WI
Even as far as Filene’s Basements go, this one is pretty stressful. It’s always jam-packed, and no one ever returns the clothes to the racks where they belong, where they often get kicked along the floor and eventually pile into corners. However, unlike your room, this Filene’s Basement has people whose job it is to clean up after inconsiderate customers. You only have your friends—you know, the ones who can’t stand to be in your apartment without attempting to sort through the heaps themselves, until they give up and go home. Filene’s Basement employees are at least getting paid for that.
3. The Filene’s Basement in Cresskill, NJ
Unlike your bedroom, this Filene’s Basement doesn’t have gross dried remnants of that blue putty stuff all over the walls. The walls aren’t nice, sure, but they also aren’t actively irritating, like yours. It’s also relatively easy to walk through the doorway (which is important for energy flow), whereas yours is blocked by half of your dresser. Why didn’t you put that thing against the other wall? It obviously doesn’t fit there.
4. The Filene’s Basement in Bath, ME
This Filene’s Basement has a leg up on your apartment feng shui-wise, because FB doesn’t have a kitchen. Your place definitely has a kitchen, and by the smell of it, no one has taken out the trash or done the dishes since Friends went off the air. Honestly, how do you live with the stench? Doesn’t it stick to your clothing? Also, do you have rats? Because it kind of smells like rats. What are we saying? If any apartment has rats, yours does. The Bath, ME Filene’s Basement though? Not one rat! How’s that for harmony?
5. The Filene’s Basement in Clarkdale, AZ
Wow, honestly, this one is really rough on the fung shui front. The clothing racks are all really close together, the ceilings are low, the light is dim, and it’s suuuper easy to get lost. Now that we think about it, did they shoot an episode of Law and Order here? It kind of seems like there should be a dead body on the floor. Either way, this one’s bad. One thing it does have going for it though? It’s way more chill than your apartment.
So whenever you think to yourself, I’ll clean it up next weekend, remember that there are at least five Filene’s Basements with better feng shui than your apartment. Clean up your shit before T.J. Maxx surpasses you, too.