One walk through your local supermarket this week, and you may find an empty shelf that was once filled with Triscuits. The culprit? Hollywood golden boy, Ryan Gosling.
An FDA report released Monday confirmed the recent shortage. There was an unprecedented increase in sales of the bland snack food after heartthrob Ryan Gosling tweeted a picture of himself chewing the mouth-drying crackers shirtless with the caption, “MMM. Me and my six-pack love us some Triscuits! Crunch! LOL.”
The seemingly innocent tweet caused lonely and sex-deprived women of all ages to immediately ransack their local grocery stores in hopes of feeling a bit closer to Gosling. One Illinois grocer called in police after scalpers started reselling black market Rosemary Olive Oil Triscuits in the parking lot.
Housewife Marissa Southerland was injured in an altercation with a fellow female shopper in the cracker aisle when they both reached for the last box of Roasted Garlic Triscuits at a Nashville Kroger. “I waited in line for 5 hours and all they had left was Original. The lady behind me tried to reach past me, so I did what I had to do.”
Gosling issued this statement on Tuesday, “They’re kind of dry, but there are more flavors than you’d think and you can make mini-pizzas out of them. I’m truly sorry for any pain this might have caused.”
Parent company Nabisco has denied any promotional relationship with Gosling, but claim they are flattered by his love of the product releasing the following statement, “Are you sure he didn’t mean Wheat Thins? They’re much more popular.”
