Residents of Rockland County Ordered to Keep Those Chips Away from Diane

Chips Emergency - Reductress

Governor Andrew Cuomo has issued a state of emergency for Rockland County, urging residents to “keep those chips away from Diane.”


“It is imperative that somebody get those sour cream and onion chips out of her reach before she eats the whole damn bowl,” Governor Cuomo continued, referring to the 43-year-old mother of three. “She’s trying to be good.”


Neighbors banded together to comb the region and hide any of the ridged snacks they could find. FEMA Administrator W. Craig Fugate also stood behind the order: “I don’t care where they go, put them in the kitchen, or the basement, or the den – just get them away from Diane before her whole ass blows up like a balloon. For Chrissake, she’s really trying to be good today.”


Rockland residents are advised to bring over the veggie tray from the kitchen table, or at least a can of Diet Sprite, something to fill up on besides those chips – oh God, they’re so good she could just eat them forever.


The National Weather Service also released a statement, saying, “Bring the chips over to the kids’ table. Bring them to Brian, he just made Communion, it’s his party, let him eat the chips. For god’s sake get these chips out of here.”



The federal agency added, “That’s the last one, she swears.”


GOP representatives are already criticizing the governor’s failure to address the warning signs prior to this emergency. NYS Republican Party Chairman Edward F. Cox pointed to a Facebook picture Diane posted just yesterday of a Rita’s Water Ice and a bag of pretzels, captioned: “I’m already out of Weight Watchers points for the whole damn weekend!”


“She just loves the salty,” said Cox, shaking his head.