REPORT: Yep, Boobs Still There

A recent study conducted by you in your room has finally reported that yes, in fact, your boobs are still there.


“Sometimes when I’m stressed or relaxing, I just randomly grab my boobs,” you told reporters. “It’s always nice to remind myself that they’re there, supporting me.”


You note that this spontaneous research came up in the middle of an all-nighter while grinding out a 10-page essay that you should’ve started two weeks ago, when at 2 a.m. you absentmindedly grabbed your boobs like stress balls and went, “Huh, oh yeah. I have boobs.”


Research says this is not the first time you have reached this conclusion and that it is part of a decades-long ongoing study of unconsciously fidgeting with your boobs from time to time, although the cause of said fidgeting varies from study to study.



When reporters looked at past research, they noted that the last one was only a few weeks ago, when you were watching that one “My Strange Addiction” episode of the woman who is addicted to getting breast enhancement surgery.


“In hindsight, there was a strong correlation in that study between what I was watching and grabbing my boobs,” you said. “I was clearly subconsciously imagining what it would be like to have large-ass breast implants. And even though I don’t have triple Q-sized boobs, just like always, my boobs were still there when I grabbed them.”


Despite every study coming to the same conclusion of remembering that your boobs indeed do remain intact to your body, you tell reporters you have no intention of ever stopping this lifelong research.


“I don’t grab my own boobs from time to time, how else will I inadvertently remind myself that they are still there? If I don’t regularly confirm that my boobs are attached to me, they exist in a liminal space of having previously confirmed they were there, but not yet confirmed that they are still there. Like Schrödinger’s cat,” you said confidently with a complete misunderstanding of all those concepts.


In fact, while saying the statement above, you unconsciously grabbed your boobs and updated your report to reflect that your boobs were, as always, still there.