In a new study emerging from your friend’s apartment, it turns out that your worst fear has been proven correct: You actually are bad at hanging out, and everyone can tell.
The findings of the report came as hurtful, but not entirely surprising, news to you.
“Every time I hang out with my friends, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not relaxing right, or that I’m fucking up laughing and chit-chatting with them,” you told reporters. “But I always put it down to my social anxiety messing with my head. To find out that it wasn’t my social anxiety at all, my friends actually don’t like being around me, and I suck at casually existing in group settings in general is…gut-wrenching.”
Sources confirmed that the movie night your friend was hosting turned “bad” when you arrived, and that the way you were watching the movie was “all wrong.”
“She’s just really not good at chilling,” said your friend, Helen, who was hosting the get-together. “Even the way she sits on the couch is weird. I can’t put my finger on why, but it just is.”
All of your friends were inclined to agree, calling the way you hangout both “derivative” and “sloppy.”
“I was already feeling a little weird at that movie night, and then someone passed me a blunt,” you said. “Even though weed usually just makes me feel super paranoid, I thought, ‘What the hell!’ But I guess it’s not paranoia if it’s actually true? Wait, does weed just amplify my awareness of reality? Did everyone actually think the way I was crossing my legs was weird? Did my voice actually sound like Jell-O? Is my soul rotten?”
Witnesses confirmed that, yeah, your legs were crossed weird and your voice did sound very Jell-O like. Beyond that, they said your blinks were too erratic, your comments about the movie were too high-brow to generate casual discussion, and the way you got up and walked to the bathroom was “performative.”
Although your friends felt you were bad at hanging out, they said this had no bearing on your other amazing qualities, noting that you were undeniably “funny,” “smart,” “interesting,” and “kind.”
“Yeah, no, she’s a super awesome person,” your friend AJ said. “On paper. But hanging out? She just absolutely flops, and none of her other, good qualities shine through at all. Great texter, though.”
At press time, you managed to come to terms with being bad at hanging out, saying, “At least I enjoy my own company!” You then stared into space, seemingly questioning your own statement, until reporters were forced to quietly exit, saying you “sucked all the energy out of the room.”
