In a report coming out of Brooklyn, NY, it has been confirmed that the jeans 27-year-old Jess Hansen often wears are unzipped about 80% of the time.
When Jess was asked to recall how often her jeans were unzipped on a given day, she noted that the most common times were when she had just ate, felt bloated, was sitting down, or just felt like having a little extra freedom for whatever reason.
“Life is about change and adaptability,” Jess told reporters. “I want my jeans to fit perfectly sometimes, and then other times I like a little more wiggle room, mostly after I’ve just eaten a big meatball sandwich. And if that’s wrong, then I don’t want to be right.”
Witnesses close to Jess have also noticed this style choice but noted that it may not be exactly helping her in the long run.
“I asked her what size she was in jeans,” a sales associate at Gap named Kelly Bailey told reporters. “And she told me that she was a size 28 to 30 depending on how big of a meal she just ate, but that she still prefers a size 28. I don’t really understand that, though. Why not just wear a belt you can adjust throughout the day? I also told her that her fly was down, and she just said, ‘I know’?”
When reporters asked Jess what her feelings were about stretchy pants such as leggings or sweatpants, she seemed offended at the very notion.
“Those are pants for just lounging at home,” Jess said. “But if I’m really trying to put an outfit together, then I need to think outside the box. I don’t really enjoy wearing skirts or dresses, either. However, I love the way that jeans look — I just don’t like the way they feel. What’s so hard to understand about that?”
When reporters suggested jeggings as a possible option for her, Jess was visibly shaken and stunned into silence before promptly ending the interview and escorting the reporters out of her home.
