REPORT: This Bitch Thinks She Can Just Get Away with Using Canned Pumpkin

In a report out of Ames, Iowa, 27-year-old and absolute clown Dara Mendelsohn actually thinks she can get away with using canned pumpkin in this pie.


“I have a full-time job and am volunteering until the election,” says Dara, whose priorities are clearly out of order. “I don’t have time to carve out a fresh pumpkin just to get a slightly different result.”


Dara, who is a disappointment to all of her aunts, also buys frozen squash and canned cranberry sauce with no remorse.


And you guessed it – this bitch also buys pre-made piecrusts.


“I don’t really see what the big deal is about using pre-made stuff,” says Dara, who probably wouldn’t even pray for you if you asked. “It tastes just as good, and is way more consistent than homemade.”



Wow. You can turn in your domestic gun and your badge now.


“Also, do you realize you can just like, buy a pie if you really wanted a good one?”


Okay, maybe this bitch has a point.