A groundbreaking new report from NASA has officially reclassified Pluto as totally freaking pathetic.
“There was some back and forth in the past regarding whether or not Pluto should be classified as a planet,” said renowned astronomer Dr. Nara Uglietta. “However, a consensus among researchers has finally been reached: Pluto is simply pathetic.”
Dr. Uglietta and her team said that based their latest reclassification on the fact that Pluto “just seems laughable” and its “embarrassing size and weirdo behavior.”
While the constant debate over whether or not Pluto is a planet seemed to many to be trite and inconsequential, scientists’ latest classification for Pluto definitely feels like a direct attack.
“I always wondered why they classified Pluto as a planet and then walked it back, claiming it was actually a ‘dwarf planet,’” said space-enthusiast, Debra Vega. “It always felt very pointed and unnecessary to me. Like, why are we wasting money on this type of research? However, I never had any evidence to prove it was a direct attack on Pluto. Until this latest reclassification, that is.”
In spite of a large majority of the public agreeing with Debra that this was a smear campaign waged against Pluto, scientists claim they “have nothing against the little guy.”
“We, as scientists, have to uphold certain standards,” Dr. Uglietta explained. “That is the only reason we keep returning to the whole ‘What is Pluto?’ debate. It has literally nothing to do with our personal feelings toward Pluto as an entity. That fugly bitch.”
Reporters immediately picked up on that last little statement by Dr. Uglietta, and speculated that she may have had something other than purely scientific intentions when she said it.
However, Dr. Uglietta immediately put these rumors to rest, explaining that “fugly bitch” was a scientific term “used to describe all dwarf planets, or anything other than a real planet.”
Reporters were a little troubled by her use of the phrase “real planet” but decided to take her statements at face value.
However, as of press time, Dr. Uglietta had posted several images of Pluto to her private Instagram, along with the caption “lmao awww look how hard she’s trying,” forcing reporters to concede that there was definitely something personal going on.
