A meta-analysis of data collected from the nation’s top research universities has determined that the new socks you just bought fucking slap.
The report, which laypeople can access online if they dare wade through its 288 pages, shows that basically nothing beats a fresh pair of socks straight out of the packaging, including boxed mac and cheese, shooting stars, and moderate orgasms.
“When you pull on that brand new pair of socks, and they’re soft, and they’re fluffy, and they’re squeezing your arches like a firm hug from Mark Ruffalo,” says Dr. Leila Hawkins, “I mean, fucking kill me because I’m basically already in Heaven.”
Parsing the data was no small effort from Dr. Hawkins and her team, but they were driven by a shared goal: Getting the truth out to the public.
“When I started on this project, it was grueling,” says a research assistant, Lenny Kung. “We were pulling ungodly hours, living off coffee and vending machines.”
“But there was actually this remarkable moment where I was exhausted, strung out, nearly hopeless, and then I stepped in a puddle,” Kung adds. “I was like, ‘Okay, guess my life couldn’t get any worse,’ but that’s when I went to Walgreens and got a new pair of socks. Everything racked into focus: I knew we had to keep going to finally prove what we all know from our own lived experiences, and that’s mostly what science is.”
Though the analysis is airtight, the report is not without its detractors.
“Is this really what research universities think we should be putting resources toward?” says climate activist Aliyah Knox. “Also, we should not be encouraging the public to go buy new socks. It’s wasteful and dangerous. Really, I’m appalled.”
But this naysaying is no deterrent for the team behind this impactful discovery.
“Overconsumption is a huge issue, totally,” says Dr. Hawkins. “But new socks feel fucking amazing and old socks have lost their elasticity and gotten all weird and gray so they always look dirty, whereas new sucks are bright and gorgeous and make it obvious that you fuck.”
“There will always be those who argue against the laws of nature,” she adds. “But new socks slay the fucking house down boots, bitch, and I’m wearing a fresh pair right now and feeling fresh as fuck.”
