Much to many absent fake plant parents’ dismay, a new report coming out of Cornell University’s School of Horticultural Science has declared that just because a fake plant doesn’t need water doesn’t mean it wouldn’t still really enjoy some.
Scientists at the university explained that this finding should come as no surprise.
“It’s just common decency,” Lead Researcher Dr. Cynthia Bello told reporters. “You’d offer a guest a glass of water, no matter how fake they were, wouldn’t you? So, why not extend that same courtesy to your fake house plants?”
The study recorded various species of fake plants over the course of two months, during which participants drank glasses of water and watered their real plants in front of the false flora.
“The data we recorded was depressing, to say the least,” Dr. Bello continued. “We had no idea that fake plants felt so left out all these years. If you consider yourself a good person, then you should absolutely be watering your fake plants. It would really mean a lot to them.”
Various participants also expressed their newfound revelations after taking part in the study.
“I feel awful,” 32-year-old Mia Reyes told reporters while pouring water on a fake plant with no soil, causing a large puddle to pool on her apartment floor. “All this time, I had been depriving my beloved fake tulips of water, and I had no idea. I never considered doing it before because I thought it might annoy them, but now that I know the truth, I won’t make the same mistake again.”
In order to encourage readers to take after these scientific findings, Dr. Bello expanded upon her previous reasoning.
“Just because your fake plants may not need water, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have some,” she said. “Do you need a third cup of coffee? Or a little treat to reward yourself for doing laundry? Or another book even though you have an entire bookshelf of ones you haven’t finished? No. And you’re not going to give your plants a little water even though they might not need it either? What are you, a monster?”
As of press time, Dr. Bello had alerted the press that she is preparing the groundwork for another study to find whether stuffed animals appreciate being tucked in at night or if they’re actually fine with just sitting on a random shelf.
Dr. Bello added, “My hypothesis is that they would really appreciate the gesture.”
