The latest report emerging from your Instagram feed has confirmed the worst: Your friend, Frankie O’Donnell, is on Day Three of his six-day intensive trip to Europe, and you’re going to fucking hear about it, capiche?
Oh, sorry, capisci?
Sources confirm Frankie planned this trip about two weeks ago – because he lives like that – and now that it’s begun, you should be prepared to see every second of it live-tweeted, storied, and grid-posted.
Experts are saying there’s not going to be a goddamn fucking second of the day that you’re not confronted with the fact that Frankie is in Europe right now, more specifically on a boat breezing through the Venice canals.
“Do I know Frankie that well? No,” you told reporters gathered at the scene. “Have I been forced, against my will, to take note of his every move and musing? Absolutely yes, I have.”
“Listen, the important thing to remember is I’m in Europe right now,” Frankie told reporters via Instagram Live, performatively holding a cappuccino cup with the tips of his fingers. “And that, on the whole, makes me a unique and interesting person. Want to see what I did yesterday?”
Against their will, reporters then watched a 15-minute recap of Frankie’s whereabouts the previous day. He went to a beach, a restaurant, and he took a nap, none of which is very noteworthy, but they suppose it’s got to be noted somewhere.
Despite your best efforts to avoid updates about Frankie’s trip to Europe, it appears to be impossible. You muted him on Instagram, only to find he’s gone viral on Twitter for posting a photo near a castle in Dublin, Ireland with the caption “loving all that England has to offer.”
The Irish internet is furious, Frankie is still in Dublin, and you’re going to fucking hear about it.
“Sure, it’s important to interrogate why visibility is so important to me,” Frankie told reporters in a moment of soft clarity. “Am I seeking approval from my peers? Do I only feel whole when perceived? Or am I trying to share in this joy, in the unique pleasure of exploration, with my nearest, dearest friends, without whose implied presence none of it would feel substantive or purposeful at all?”
He paused for a moment, lost in thought.
“Nah, probably the first two things!” he finished, going in for a round of high fives.
At press time, you booked a flight to Madrid and promised yourself you wouldn’t repeat this cycle of violence by posting about it incessantly. Scientists estimate you will break this promise on Day Two. Safe travels!
