After a comprehensive study out of Columbia University, results confirm long-held beliefs that there just ain’t nothin’ quite like a good ol’ romp in the hay.
“Our team worked tirelessly throughout the entire evaluation process,” said Dr. Greta Moore, the lead researcher on the study. “And the results are all but conclusive, there truly ain’t nothin’ better than headin’ out into the cornfields and takin’ the midnight train to Pound Town station.”
“This particular case study was just one part of a larger analysis on sexuality and happiness,” said Dr. Gershwin, another scientist involved in the study. “We conducted multiple, double-blind experiments on the effects of sex and our conclusions are clear: There ain’t no scientifically superior experience than rollin’ around in the holler behind the barn and bumpin’ uglies with the lil’ farmhand from the tater farm down yonder.”
“Our team does want to iterate, though, that you shouldn’t forget some trusty ol’ rubber johnnies,” Gershwin added. “You wouldn’t want one night of plowin’ through the beanfield to leave you with a hot cross bun in the oven.”
The nation’s rural populations are unsurprised by the study’s findings.
“I’ve been workin’ this land for 40-some-odd seasons, and my mama before me and her mama before her,” said Iowa farmer Helen Matterson. “An’ in all my years, there ain’t never been anything that compared to sneakin’ off with the stableboy from the ranch next plot over and knockin’ boots in the winter gourd patch.”
She added: “Of course these city slickers would just be findin’ that out.”
“I reckon there’s not a single thing in life that’s better than smashin’ apples in the back of the ol’ rusted pickup truck parked down by the creek,” said Teresa DuPont, a lifelong farmer and Kansas resident. “I ain’t need no team of coastal mucky mucks to tell me that.”
“Course I guess I should be happy for those big city bigwigs finally figurin’ out the joy of a quick in-and-out under the stars behind the defunct outhouse,” Teresa added. “They caught on to one of life’s finest pleasures.”
The team behind these discoveries is eager to learn more.
“We’re thrilled to finally share our findings with the public,” said Dr. Moore. “And we’re so looking forward to what we learn about human sexuality going forward.”
“We can’t say for sure,” she added, “but we are working with the theory that a happy wife may in fact lead to a happy life.”
