Racist Friend from High School ‘Very Upset’ Over That One Lion

In a move anticipated by nearly everyone, your kind of racist white friend from high school is “very upset” over the killing of Cecil the lion this past week. After ignoring a slew of news regarding the suspicious deaths of five black women in police custody and at least one unarmed man being shot at a routine traffic stop, your racist friend has been posting around-the-clock since the news of the illegal hunt broke this week.


“CANT BELIEVE THIS IS WHAT ITS CUM TO. WOW JUST WOW,” writes the person you used to hang out with in middle school, who seemingly didn’t notice all the stories on the sidebar about black women dying in police custody. “WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LION, GONE.”


“FUCK YOU DENTISTS!!!!!!!” writes the person who isn’t sure about the whole “race discrimination” thing. “WHO WOULD KILL A LION????”



Experts are trying to evaluate the seemingly random connection between all the things that upset your racist friend, such as restaurant owners chastising customers’ children, deep-fried rats turning up in fast food meals, and their dumbass coworker, Tara. “It’s unclear what the pattern is when it comes to what causes them concern, but we do know one thing: It is definitely not the struggle faced by black Americans.”


Others conclude that your seemingly well-meaning but definitely racist white friend from high school does care about the following race-related issues: affirmative action (“huh????”) CVS stores being damaged (“HOW COULD THEY DO THAT TO THEIR OWN CVS??? #smdh”), the use of the N-word by rappers (“WHY CAN THEY USE IT BUT I CAN’T???”), and something they call “welfare queens” (“the 1# [sic] problem facing our country today”).


Your friend, who once commented “LOL!!!!” on the photo you posted of your gay friends’ wedding ceremony, is devastated by the loss of the heretofore-unknown lion. “Can’t believe there’s ppl cruel enough to do this to such an amazing creature,” writes the football fan, who was pretty sure Trayvon Martin was “up to no good” and that Michael Brown “should have been more respectful to the cop”. They go on to say, “This senseless loss of life is too much to bear!!! The lion, I mean!!!”


Your hometown friend, who’s apparently married to someone who shares their love of Disney, recently changed their profile picture to a portrait of Cecil when he was alive with the caption, “#AllLionsMatter”.