Here’s a scenario many of us are familiar with: A coworker brings in a bunch of little cupcakes— perhaps to celebrate a birthday or to ease the pain of a mass-firing. But cupcakes are made with white sugar, butter, and flour, which are all evil. Is it worth degrading your body and turning yourself into a simpering, unlovable lard-puddle of a human being? You already know the answer, but here’s a quiz to find out!
1. Did you run a marathon today?
A. Of course! Why didn’t I see you there?
B. No, but I ran one yesterday. Does that count? Please?
C. What if I don’t have legs?
2. Have you been in mortal peril recently?
A. While speeding on the highway, I had to tuck-and-roll out of a car being driven by my would-be assassins this morning.
B. A homeless lady threatened me last week. Does that count?
C. What if I’m not exactly mortal?
3. What does the magnet on your refrigerator say?
A. “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” with a picture of Kate Moss’s head on a skeleton holding a sign that says, “True Beauty.”
B. A schedule of classes at the nearby gym, with every class circled.
C. “I’m a little cupcake.”
4. How small is the mini-cupcake?
A. Smaller than a pea. Like, it’s actually incredible that they were even able to find a cupcake pan so small. They must have used tweezers to put on the frosting.
B. Gerbil-sized. As in the size of cupcake that a gerbil might eat.
C. It’s about my size, give or take. Cupcake-sized.
5. Where is the cupcake from?
A. A Parisian bakery operated by three chefs with PhDs in dessert from the Sorbonne, flown directly to my office on a temperature-controlled military charter jet.
B. That place with the guy who makes the knock-off cronuts.
C. …My family?
6. Have you eaten today?
A. Do cigarettes count as food?
B. I was feeling faint after the third P90X class so I had a sip of coconut water and three almonds.
7. Where are you planning to eat this mini-cupcake?
A. You know what? All this talk about cupcakes is making me full. I’m gonna go.
B. In a bathroom stall, with the water running so no one knows I’m in there, with a paring knife to save half for someone else.
C. Wait, you want me to eat this cupcake? No, that’s insane. I am a cupcake.
Mostly A’s: You’re an incredible human being! In fact, you’re more than a human being. You’re post-human. You’re evolved. You probably don’t even have wisdom teeth or pinkie toes. This cupcake is so beneath you it’s almost inappropriate for you to be seen enjoying it…so be sure to savor it on the DL! Just one, though.
Mostly B’s: You exercise enough to probably have burned the calories for a mini-cupcake and then some. But this quiz isn’t about calories, is it? It’s about deserving things. And you just don’t. Maybe if you had a better refrigerator magnet.
Mostly C’s: What are you even doing here? You’re a cupcake. You can’t eat other cupcakes. Go and find yourself a human so you can be the vehicle for their own suffering.